Sooo I feel a lot better since my last blog... I needed to let out some emotion and I guess.. xangaing it up helps a lot.. and not to mention ... I have great friends.. and Adam is one of them...despite us not being to gether we are together as friends and it actually is really good. ( even though I still want to shake him around) haha well anyways im seriously happy that im actually expereinceing these emotions.. even if its painful.. I think its better to feel somthing then to not feel at all. such is life....whelp gotta go
Sooo my heart is really aching right now.. mostly since I love someone they love me but im not there top choice.. so im still single.. I still love this person.. still actually think there is hope.. especially since he makes me feel like there is hope but only as a second choice.. I DONT WANT TO BE A SECOND CHOICE which makes me think he really isnt the one for me.. and yet I still have not let him go in my heart ... its soooo hard.. I just want to shake him and say helllllllloooooo we can be together.. look at all your missing... your single im single we have amazing chemistry so why not!!!! Then I realize that ohh yeah I dont want to be a second choice.. if someone really loves me if they are in love with me I will know it.. if there the one for me I will know it.. im not going to be second guessing things and hoping things will work out.. they will work out because I willknow it..sooo im thinking whats the problem then... bottom line is I think its the fact that I have been single sooooooooooo friggin long that the first and only time someone shows me affection and cares about me but yet thinks there is someone else out there better for me just plain sucks.. because im always thinking but why cant we be together.. it makes sense for us to be together...and since I have no dating experience I feel crazy... im like is this how its suppose to feel? I think im just sick of being single.. I really think im loosing it.. can someone go crazy because of singleness ? I ask God to help me to be content with being single and its happened twice and both times crazy things happened.. ie..making out with this person ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh im just done Im done being rejected.. im done being lonely.. Im done looking for the one.. im tired im soooo tired and lonely! soo I ask will you come and find me.. will you come and chase mee.. im ready immm sooo ready. Adam im really tryin to let you go.. im trying to shake you off my heart. I hope you find what your looking for.. and I pray that if you really thing there is someone else out there better for me that it really is going to happen soon.. Is this love or is this death I feel like im dieing
Yeah so Ive started to knit which is totally awsome because it somehow has helped me to stay focused and not obsess over possible future relationships.. It made me think of back in the day when there were ladys in waiting that would do tapestrys all day and needle work. So now when I knit I just think of happy thoughts and know that God is doing a saugvern thing in my life and in others.. soooo I will keep on knitting until that day when I look into his eyes and he looks into mine and we just know....yeah cheesy i know..not to mention the first thim im knitting is a scarf since I havnt expereicnced an ohio winter in 3 years I figured I would need it. So that helps me stay focused too since I think of how nice It will be when i wear it.. I think of how it will keep me warm. My happy thoughts keep me warm and knowing God is doing great things keeps me warm.. ok enough with the cheese ball ness... I will go now.
so yeah about those tingly happy butterfly feelings I have them again... except im not with this person.. but he has defenitly made me feel loved and beautiful... I guess this seems to happen when im finnaly content in being alone.. haha is all I have to say... so I say come my love.. come and find me..come and chase me and catch me in your arms... persue me with the fire of your love with your desire for me....chase me and catch me so I dont drift away so you cant find me anymore....
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